I’ve spent many years trying to escape … something. I wasn’t always sure what I was trying to escape, though.
Initially, I was convinced I was trying to escape my programming job. I didn’t feel free in it. It became a trap.
I was showing up to my job everyday, spending most of my time in front of the computer. I loved programming, initially. But as I entered the workforce, something changed.
I changed my job. Same thing repeated. I wanted to escape again. The life I had created for myself. wasn’t doing it. I wanted to escape sitting in front of a computer all day long.
Initially, I blamed the PC for not letting me live my life as I wanted. It was to blame for me not being social. For not travelling. For not going out and metting people. For not exploring what this life has to offer. For not liking myself. For me rejecting myself. Oh… how could a PC be guilty of so many things?
Something wasn’t right. Poor computer, how could it get so many things wrong?
So, what is freedom? Is it the ability to leave the life we’ve created for ourselves at any time?
Simply drop everything and get a new life?
It’s not that easy, though.
That’s because we are creatures of habit.
We create habits. We grow roots.
We get used to people, places, faces.
We get used to ways of being and ways of behaving.
Today, 14 years later, I don’t feel free. Again.
That feeling of wanting to escape parts of my life lurked back.
Yesterday, my girfriend dropped a knowledge bomb on me: you want to escape yourself only when you don’t like who you are.
She’s smart, this one. Too smart, sometimes. Annoyingly smart at other times.
Then she gets a big head. I hope she’s reading this. She might get an ego boost (yet again). Then I can tease her. For her big head.
Truth is I didn’t like who I was as a programmer.
But it brought me money. It brought me peace of mind. It covered all my material needs.
And then some more.
Is freedom the freedom to buy anything you want?
But if you stop working or your money runs out are you still free?
I don’t have a job. I spent my time however I want.
But I have financial limits. I have all the time in the world.
I’ve created this life for me. But it doesn’t do it. I don’t feel free.
Is freedom a life without limits? I don’t think so.
At one point, we have all the money we need. But not enough time to enjoy life.
At another point, we have all the time in the world, but coupled with financial constraints.
At another point, we get a girlfriend.
Maybe freedom is not freedom from something.
Life has rules. Want to eat? Earn money to buy food.
Want to wear clothing? Earn money to buy clothing.
I will come back to refine these ideas.
Part of being free is the freedom from our past expectations
